The Dream, The Work, The Payoff

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Month: October, 2012

Wishing, Hoping, Praying

I broke down today while watching The Voice on HULU. Crazy, huh? I just broke into tears at the most random moment. The singing was great. I was enjoying it, and as the song ended, the tears came.

I’m tired, y’all, and I’m stressed the freak out. I’m having to make some tough decisions about my future and I’m scared to death–paralyzed with fear. This is one of those days when I wish I had someone to share my responsibilities with. I wish I had someone, anyone, who would say,” Don’t worry about this–I got it.” ¬†But I don’t. I’ve been divorced since 1999 and the relationships I had thereafter were horrible,and that’s being nice about it. My family members have their own responsibilities. so they can’t help–at least not the way I need them to.

I just want to write. That’s all I want to do.

I wish that someone would walk up to me and say, “You’ve worked hard to raise your kids. You’re a good person–not perfect, but good. And you’re a great writer. Take this money and take a break. Just write for a while…and rest.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? Rest. Rest for my mind, my spirit, and my heart. Wouldn’t that be so nice?

Oh, well, maybe one day. ūüôā

I’m through whining now. Back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Try Again

So, I fell off the wagon and I mean WAY off. (Skipping breakfast, eating fast food for lunch and dinner and water? What water?) The culprit? Stress, of course. I’m sitting here right now trying to figure out why I can be consistent with everything and I mean everything else in my life, but when it comes to taking care of myself, I’m can’t. I mean, I consistently go to work, pay my bills, write, publish, and market my work, take care of my daughter and my home. If my two adult children need help, I’m right there. I do these things without even giving it a second thought. But for some reason, I just don’t consistently take care of myself. What the freak is that about?!

 

As I sit here right now, typing these words, a thought occurs to me. Maybe my role of being everything to everyone is the problem. For so many years I was the sole parent and sole breadwinner and sole decision-maker and that coupled with the¬†necessity¬†for me to be selfless at all times is at fault. Maybe I’ve spent so many years putting the needs and concerns of others before my own that I’ve forgotten how to take care of myself.

 

Ok, so what does this mean? Well, I’ve decided that I’ve got to change this. Even if it means getting to work late or falling behind deadline with my publishing work, or (gasp) just saying “no” sometimes when someone needs me for something, I’m going to take care of ME. I’ve got to, My life depends on it.

 

Is there anyone out there with the same problem? I call it Selflessitis (a chronic condition in which one gives so much of themselves they forget how to take care of themselves)