Past, Present, Future

I was just sitting here thinking about my life and how I have evolved into who I am today. I’ve been thinking a lot about my past–not in a way that makes me sad or regretful, but in a way that makes me proud of the changes I’ve been able to make through the years.

Who was I then as opposed to who I am now?

I was very timid and full of fear. I was afraid to speak my mind. I lived to please others as I sought their acceptance- even at the cost of not taking care of myself. The approval of others was very important to me. My feelings were easily hurt but I kept them bottled up inside because I didn’t want to bother anyone with my emotions. I was passive-agressive and sometimes, after I’d taken a lot of crap from people in the name of being accepted, I’d blow up in anger–frightening anger. I was in a toxic relationship with myself. I was abusive towards myself. I was unfair and harsh towards myself. I was my own worst enemy.

I also had some horrible relationships full of all give on my part and no take. Sometimes things got abusive. These relationships were so bad that they left me shell-shocked and afraid to try again, Friendships were similar–all give for me and no take.

I struggled for so long in life that it became a way of life. It became normal for me to be sad and to struggle and to have barely enough. Misery was commonplace for me.

What changed?

The first thing I did was to realize that God loves me and I mean He really loves me. And if He can love me with all of my faults and flaws, then maybe I can love myself. Maybe I should love myself. Maybe it’s okay.

Then I decided to start living my life the way I wanted to. Instead of living to impress and please those around me, I started living for me. I started making changes and decisions that made me happy. I moved to a new town, got a new job, met new people, and began to really pursue my passion for writing.

I began to really live. And my eyes were opened to all I had missed before when I was barely surviving emotionally. Actually, I was dying inside, killing myself little by little with depression and self-opression. The real me was hidded away back then. Now, she’s free for everyone to see. But is she really?

As I reflect on my past, I realize that I’ve come far, but I still have far to go.

I haven’t been on a date with a man in years. One reason is that  I was so ashamed of my appearance and another reason is that I was and am afraid. I can admit that, I’m still scared to death of starting another relationship. No, not scared but petrified.

Another thing I need to improve on is making friends. I haven’t really done that in a while, either. I find myself wanting to go out and experience things but for so long I shut myself off from other people, so, I don’t really have anyone I can call and say, “Hey, let’s go to a movie.”

I’m working on those things as I continue to work on my health and my well-being in general.

I am truly thankful for how far I’ve come and I look forward to the positive changes of my future.

Onward and upward!!

Comment below and share the positive changes you’ve made in your life. What are you working towards now?

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