Long Time, No Blog

by ahthompson

I know, I know… it’s been a while. I’m sure you’re thinking you’re going to get some report about how much weight I’ve lost or see some dramatic before and after pictures or see a video of me triumphantly declaring that I’ve reached my weight loss goal and have met and married the man of my dreams and we’re on a plan on our way to Fantasy Island or some crap like that.

Think again.

I’m still fat and single and frustrated.

As a matter of fact, I’ve gained weight since I last posted a blog.

So why in the world am I writing this? Why would I want to share such news?

Well, on my way home from visiting my grandchildren who live across town, I had an epiphany. Yes, another one. I was listening to Erykah Badu sing “Other Side of the Game” (which has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m about to say) and it hit me. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF.

Like, at all.

Oh, I know how to take care of absolutely everyone else in my life. But when it comes to me, all I know how to do is half do things and sacrifice. I’m an excellent giver, a poor taker. As a matter of fact, I hate accepting help. I’d rather suffer in silence any day than to ask for help.

I’d rather be the problem-solver than the one who has the problem even though at my size, it is more than evident that I have a big problem with my health.

And I don’t want to die. Not any time soon. So, what do I do?

I’m praying and seeking knowledge on how to take care of myself because this former RN just doesn’t know. I don’t know how to put myself first. I don’t know how to say, “No, I won’t change my plans to accommodate you.” I don’t know how to choose what’s best for me. It’s sad, but true. But the funny thing is, everyone around me has no problem doing just that. I guess being a single mother has ruined me and thinking of myself first is something I’ve got to learn.

Well, that’s all I wanted to share. Just had those thoughts in my head and needed to empty them out.I pledge to do better with this blog as it helps me to write these things down. It helps to share my feelings.

Oh, and I joined a fitness club. Now to fight through this anxiety and actually go and work out. Pray for me.