The Dream, The Work, The Payoff

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On again, again

Hey, all. I’m back on the proverbial fitness horse again. This is day two of my recommitment. What fueled my decision to do better again? A visit from my mother.

My mother stayed with me last week and brought along with her, her love for all things fried and all things sweet. She graciously relinquished her debit card to me and had me buy donuts and cheesecake and cupcakes. We even had her favorite fried chicken four out of the seven days she was here!

And just having all of those foods around sent me into a massive tailspin and by the end of her visit, I felt sluggish and overstuffed and miserable. It took me days to recover, to feel halfway normal again. 

I was so disappointed in myself and so alarmed at how I felt that I decided to turn things around. 

I realized thatI have to exercise self control at all times, no matter who is around. I’ve got to take care of me.

Sad thing is, this is all connected to the whole people pleasing thing. I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by refusing to bring that stuff into my home and in the process of sparing her feelings, I damn near killed myself.

So, no more of that. I walked yesterday and today and I’ve been eating healthier. I’m challenging myself to walk for thirty days straight and to blog at least every other day.

Keep me in your prayers, please.

Past, Present, Future

I was just sitting here thinking about my life and how I have evolved into who I am today. I’ve been thinking a lot about my past–not in a way that makes me sad or regretful, but in a way that makes me proud of the changes I’ve been able to make through the years.

Who was I then as opposed to who I am now?

I was very timid and full of fear. I was afraid to speak my mind. I lived to please others as I sought their acceptance- even at the cost of not taking care of myself. The approval of others was very important to me. My feelings were easily hurt but I kept them bottled up inside because I didn’t want to bother anyone with my emotions. I was passive-agressive and sometimes, after I’d taken a lot of crap from people in the name of being accepted, I’d blow up in anger–frightening anger. I was in a toxic relationship with myself. I was abusive towards myself. I was unfair and harsh towards myself. I was my own worst enemy.

I also had some horrible relationships full of all give on my part and no take. Sometimes things got abusive. These relationships were so bad that they left me shell-shocked and afraid to try again, Friendships were similar–all give for me and no take.

I struggled for so long in life that it became a way of life. It became normal for me to be sad and to struggle and to have barely enough. Misery was commonplace for me.

What changed?

The first thing I did was to realize that God loves me and I mean He really loves me. And if He can love me with all of my faults and flaws, then maybe I can love myself. Maybe I should love myself. Maybe it’s okay.

Then I decided to start living my life the way I wanted to. Instead of living to impress and please those around me, I started living for me. I started making changes and decisions that made me happy. I moved to a new town, got a new job, met new people, and began to really pursue my passion for writing.

I began to really live. And my eyes were opened to all I had missed before when I was barely surviving emotionally. Actually, I was dying inside, killing myself little by little with depression and self-opression. The real me was hidded away back then. Now, she’s free for everyone to see. But is she really?

As I reflect on my past, I realize that I’ve come far, but I still have far to go.

I haven’t been on a date with a man in years. One reason is that  I was so ashamed of my appearance and another reason is that I was and am afraid. I can admit that, I’m still scared to death of starting another relationship. No, not scared but petrified.

Another thing I need to improve on is making friends. I haven’t really done that in a while, either. I find myself wanting to go out and experience things but for so long I shut myself off from other people, so, I don’t really have anyone I can call and say, “Hey, let’s go to a movie.”

I’m working on those things as I continue to work on my health and my well-being in general.

I am truly thankful for how far I’ve come and I look forward to the positive changes of my future.

Onward and upward!!

Comment below and share the positive changes you’ve made in your life. What are you working towards now?

Off and On

Off and On.

Off and On

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One thing I’ve learned during this journey towards better heath: Compulsive Overeating is REAL.

I don’t think I really realized it until one evening when I was sitting on my sofa watching TV, or at least trying to watch it, because it was very hard for me to focus on what was going on on that screen. Inside my mind, the only thoughts were of eating something–anything. I wasn’t hungry or even stressed at the moment, but I really wanted to eat. I was compelled to eat. And so I ate and then I felt horrible about it. It then occured to me that there was more to this than I first thought.

Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my actions. I’m the one doing the eating. But there is something behind the desire. Something, that at times, feels like it’s beyond my control. That day I made a discoveryand a decision:

1. Dieting and exercising without understanding what’s really behind the overeating is like putting a bandaid over a gaping wound.

2. I have to find out what’s really behind the overeating–the compulsion.

So, I’ve signed up for counseling and I continue to pray for strength to stay on the wagon and stop the crazy cycle of climbing on…then falling off.

Right now, I feel motivated. I’ve been walking, modifying my diet. I have more energy and I’ve decided not to tell the people in my life who like to ridicule me about my new commitment to better health.

I’ll let you guys know how things go.

Pray for me, y’all.

Photo courtesy of sxc.hu

Hello, me

Hi, everyone!

Just checking in. Things are good. I’m actually craving fruit! I know, wow! I still forget to eat from time to time, but I’m working on that. Still working hard at writing and promoting and taking over literary world. Still loving being self-employed. And I’m learning so many things about myself now that I have more free time. 

I’m learning to love myself more and more each day. I’m learning to embrace everything about me. I’m getting back in touch with my femininity  I remembered how much I’ve always liked being a girl 🙂 I’ve been taking so many pictures. I’ve probably only lost a half an ounce, but regardless, I am loving me right now!

I’m finally seeing the me that God made me to be–strong and confident and beautiful.

You know, I really missed me. Where have I been all these years? 

 

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Until later…be blessed!!!

I Quit!!!

 

 

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I quit…my job!!

 

I quite my job to pursue my writing career full time. I have to say that it is one of the best decisions I have ever made–hands down. I am not experiencing nearly as much stress. I don’t dread getting up in the morning. I love me job, now, and I am a much more patient person. 

Everything is peaches and cream–or not.

True I am suffering from far less stress, but there is still stress in my life. Self-imposed stress. Now my well-being and the well-being of my family depends solely and entirely on the number of books I sell. The realization of this makes me want to do nothing but work harder and harder and harder.

And that is what I’ve been doing–day and night. Almost endlessly. No matter what time I wake up, I get up and go right to work. Well, I do read my Bible and pray first. But after that, my work day begins, But the problem for me is that I tend to plow through my work. I have this weird disorder that makes me feel like I have to finish things in one sitting.

So I work until it’s time to shower and take my daughter to school and then I return home and work. I keep bathroom breaks to minimum–they just slow me down. I try to remember to get up and stretch my legs, but when you’re on a roll writing or a new idea has hit your brain, who has time for breaks? Generally, I work and work and work until either my bladder is about to burst or I’m about to pass out from exhaustion or…I’m so hungry I can no longer think straight. 

Yes, people. You read it right. I have been forgetting to eat! Me! The chronic and committed over eater has been forgetting to eat. And when I don’t forget, I just postpone it until I’m done with whatever I’m doing. But the problem with me is that I’m never done. Most of the time it is hard for me to shut my brain off.

After years of thinking only of eating, one might think at first that this would be a welcome change for me. Well, no, because, not eating leads to fluctuations in you blood sugar and you need that sugar for energy and if you don’t eat, you don’t have any energy. And no energy leads to you being tired, so for the past couple of months, I’ve been really tired. And when I finally remember to eat, I’m so hungry it’s hard not to over eat.

Don’t panic. I haven’t gone off the deep end or anything. I’ve actually lost a little weight, but I don’t feel good. My energy is low and I need my energy because I need to work!

Moral of the story? Balance. We all need it. I have to learn that since I no longer have a set time to work, I have to place my own limits on myself. I have to set concrete working hours. Now, I’m not saying that I will only work 40 hours a week, because that is unrealistic for me and that type of boundary will only frustrate me. But I am saying that I will take breaks and take better care of myself and eat!

Until later…be blessed!

 

 

 

image from dreamstime.com

Real and Raw

Real and Raw.

Real and Raw

I have a problem with weakness. I don’t like people who whine and complain about their circumstances–past or present. I am a staunch proponent for lifting yourself up, overcoming obstacles, and moving on. I don’t like to be around people who whine and seek sympathy. I despise their weakness…and now I know why.

 

Have you ever heard that we hate what we see in others that reflects what is inside of us? That’s me. Took all this time for me to realize it.

 

While I might not whine and complain verbally, I whine and complain every time I buy a king-sized Butterfinger or a bag of Hot Cheetos. Every time i load my plate up with greasy food and drink sugary sodas oreat a salad drenched in fatty salad dressing or buy a box of cookies or a tub of ice cream or a huge burger or a slushy or–well, you get the point. Every time I emotionally eat, I become the pitiful whiner I so despise and I hate myself for it.

 

It’s a stupid-ass, dumb, brainless cycle and I’m just plain, point-blank tired of it. Another failed attempt to get control of my eating habits has left me feeling less than human and I’m hot diggity dog tired of it!

 

I declare right now, as angry tears hit my keyboard that I am taking control of my life and my emotions. No longer will my erratic, unpredictable, hormonal emotions rule me.

 

I have tortured myself long enough. I let my parents’ jacked up relationship and subsequent divorce put me on this self-destructive road years ago. Then I spent years upon years trying to win any and every one’s approval, I made stupid decisions which led to stupid mistakes and bad relationships and crazy insecurities and now, hundreds of extra pounds that I don’t even remember gaining. I swear, I just woke up one morning and I was fat!

 

I am tired, tired, tired! Sick and tired. Good and tired. Dog tired. Tired with a capital T. Just tired!!

 

Last night, after eating some greasy chicken that I didn’t even enjoy, and washing it down with some Coke, I fell to my knees and begged God to help me. I begged and pleaded, pleaded and begged, and then begged and pleaded some more and then I went to bed. When I woke up this morning, I could hear God telling me to be raw and real with myself. No more flowery words or lame excuses–just rawness and realness. So this is me–raw and real. I hate what I’ve done to my body and to my life. I deserve better. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 

It’s my time. I’m done letting anyone–my family, my friends, my kids, the mailman–anyone or their opinions of me, or their impositions, or expectations, send me any further down the road to self-destruction.

 

Watch me work.

The Culprit

The Culprit.

The Culprit

Hello, all. Been a minutes since I blogged–busy as usual. But with some urging (i.e. harassment) from my dear friend, Julia from the group FIIF Getting Serious About Losing Weight, I’m here and I’m blogging!

I’ve talked about the culprit for my overeating several times–so by now, you know that it’s stress. I can continue to blame stress, I can talk about stress, I can describe in great detail what stress is and what my personal stressors are, OR I can do something about the stress. As of recent, I’ve decided to de-stress my life as much as I possibly can. While there are some things in our lives that we cannot control, there are others that we can. Today, I want to discuss how we can reduce stress by changing some things in our lives. Even small changes can make a huge difference. 

 

  • Surround yourself with positive things and people–shun the negative

If someone, anyone in your life is bringing you down, making you feel bad about yourself, constantly bringing up your past, shooting down your ideas, mocking and ridiculing you–get away from them! I don’t care if they are a relative or your best friend. You have got to make your own well-being a priority. I know that some people are put into our lives so that we can be a positive influence to them. But we cannot let people steal our joy from us. If someone if doing that to you, cut your losses and leave them alone. Sometimes we have to let the wrong people go in order for the right people to enter our lives.

I also suggest that you read positive and uplifting books or articles. Listen to positive podcasts (Joel Osteen is a favorite of mine). Follow positive people on Facebook and Twitter. Listen to positive/inspirational music every morning to start your day. Keep a gratitude journal and focus on the good things in your life. Pray often.Pray and believe that you deserve better than a life full of stress.

  • Mind your own business.

Don’t spend your time wrapped up in someone else’s problems. Of course I’m not telling you not to help someone in need. If they reach out for help, then by all means, please help them. But don’t let their problems take over YOUR life. Help them, pray for them, be there for them, but don’t lose yourself for them.

  • Follow your instincts

Following your instincts can keep you out of a lot of trouble and away from a lot of stress. I believe that our instincts are really the voice of God and that heeding that voice is very important. If your instincts tell you not to trust someone–don’t trust them!! If your instincts tell you not to let your child go to a certain place, or not to let someone in your house, listen!! We are so afraid of hurting other people’s feelings that we are sacrificing our own comfort and happiness. We need to stop that!

  • If your job is stressing you out–find another one.

I know what you’re thinking. “It’s not that easy.” “It took me a long time to find this one.” “I can’t just quit my job!” I hear you, I really do. And I’m not telling you to throw all caution to the wind and quit your job. But if your job is stressing you out, giving you headaches, and running your blood pressure up, and you have to pray your way out of bed every morning, the people you work with are messy, your boss is a tyrant, and you count the seconds from Monday to Friday, you need to at least begin exploring other options. Pray about it and them formulate a plan. At least start LOOKING for another job instead of constantly complaining about the one you have. Believe me, if God gave you that one, He is more than capable of giving you another one and a better one, at that.

  • If you are a parent, read the following carefully:

If your children are grown  STOP TRYING TO RAISE THEM. They are adults now. Good or bad–your job to raise them is over. Let them live their lives and make their own choices. Let them make their own mistakes–didn’t you make yours without anyone else’s help? Experience is the best teacher. If they ask for your advice, give it to them, but don’t have a stroke when they don’t use it. Let them live their lives and you go right ahead and live yours. 

If your children are underage, lead them, guide them, set boundaries, chastise them, understand them, and love them. But understand that they are not you. They are individuals. :Let them develop into their own person. Don’t make them your whole life. One day, they will leave, and you may not be able to cope if you haven’t carved a life out for yourself.

  • If you can’t pay for it, don’t get it.

Trying to keep up with the Joneses is just a useless and crazy form of stress. Personally, I couldn’t care less how big someone’s house is or what they drive, because I know that having those things comes with a price that I’m most likely unwilling and unable to pay. Do I like nice things? Of course. Am I willing to work 10 jobs and kill myself to get them? Um, no. They’ll come when they come, but I’m not going to over-extend myself to get them.

I am a home nurse and I visit very sick elderly people on a daily basis. These people have worked hard all of their lives and many of them have nice homes and cars and you know what? They are living in one room–lying in a hospital bed that’s sitting in the middle of their living room, because they are too sick to move around their own homes. They can’t even drive those nice cars. They have worn their bodies out trying to have things that they can no longer enjoy. Their children are estranged from them because they never had time for them–because they worked so much to have these wonderful things that now mean nothing to them. 

I’m not telling you to sell all of your worldly possessions and live in a tent. But I am telling you that focusing on the things that really matter can greatly decrease your stress level. Set goals for yourself and try to reach them at a reasonable pace. Take the unreasonable pressure of yourself.

 

I am following my own advice. I’m changing some things in my life. I’m taking the stress off of myself where and when I can. Will you do the same? 

Please share more de-stressing ideas in the comments section. We all need all of the help we can get!!